Saturday, May 13, 2006

The NEXT "America's Next Top Model"- U wanna be on TOP?!!!

Ok, so I made a prediction last season (here), and I was...pretty close. Now again comes the time when I feel I have to offer my two cents on the guilty pleasure known as "Top Model". Who did what, who turned it out, who burned out, who was unnecesarily unceremoniously canned, who should have been canned but wasn't, and WHO SHOULD WIN.

Let's start with the season't most creative shoot: the very first one, where the girls had to pose...BALD!!!!! In Western culture, it takes an exceptionally beautiful woman to make bald look feminine, exotic, and resplendent. A few of the contestants stepped up to the challenge early: Nnenna
served up African queen and showed that she could rock a baldy quite comfortably (so comfortably that they made her almost bald for her makeover after this shoot), Mollie Sue
brought soft yet simmering feminine energy while remaining decidedly beautiful.


Danielle brought fierce piercing eyes which were set off by her long gazelle-like neck and regal cheekbones.

Speaking of bones- to no one's surprise- Gina's cheekbones sealed the deal.

Jade attempted, but didn't quite come off as soft and pink as she needed to (which would dog her for the first couple of shoots).

One chick- Kathy- looked deranged and became the posterchild for why most women CAN'T be bald and beautiful; and was rightfully sent home after the first challenge.


The season's most cruel joke: the models trying to ramp in those impossibly high, "Ana Molinari-meets-Vivian-Westwood" pumps. I don't know WHO thought this challenge up- maybe some sadomasochisic drag queen who witnessed Naomi Campbell topple over at that infamous Vivienne Westwood show when she couldn't maintain that signature walk in those 12-inch indigo mock croc lace-up platform boots Thirteen women (most of whom looked like they had never walked in REGULAR 3 inch stillettos) are forced to walk a runway in what looked like SIX inch stiletto PLATFORMS!!! The first thing their legal department should have warned them against was EXACTLY what happened to Danielle; JACKED-UP model ankles!!! If Danielle really wanted to be evil, she could have sued the producers and possibly had the show renamed "Danielle presents...America's Next Top Model". I mean, I'm sure even Naomi has nightmares about those damn clogs!!

Unceremoniously canned? Dr. Yvonne, the emergency room doctor whose walk rivals some of the best-trained models on ANY runway, didn't even make it into the house. True, she photographed a little old, but it would have been good to have her in the house to teach those awkward vaginas how to serve the runway- but I digress.

The "What the hell were they looking at" contestant: Kari.
Miss Piggy on diet pills? Yes. Brigitte Bardot? HELL no!. Kari had ONE good pic (very Pam Anderson locked in a deep-freezer!)


The little train that SHOULD have, but didn't--tie: Furonda and Gina. Furonda had the name and everything (Supermodel Katoucha! Supermodel Verushka! Supermodel Furonda!!!). At a lanky yet somewhat curvy 5'11, she had the perfect model body, replete with fit-model legs. Some of her pics were BEAUTIFUL!

Gina: the only girl who had the bone structure to compete with Jade (sans dragon-queen effect!) but who was as CLUELESS as a bag of question marks!!!


Biggest disappointment- tie: Nenna's fading out and Sarah's not giving it like a 6-foot Glamazon should!

Nnenna started out the strongest, winning the first 2 or three challenges. She was the frontrunner to watch. The title was hers to lose- and she did. When she faded into the background with that horrible babydoll shoot
followed by that DRY mermaid picture, I knew her days were numbered. That photo shoot with the male model where she posed as a HOT chemist should have sealed the deal.
I was soooo disappointed!


Sarah's open-mouthed vacant face in a lot of her pictures betrayed her height, which was her only advantage in this season's contenders.

Most annoying: Of course, to no one's surprise- Jade. Whether it was her incessantly referring to herself in the third person ("Jade is a star", "Jade can work it", "this is Jade", "Jade is a supermodel", "Jade has potential- do yo see it? Do you see it?"...blah blah blah, ZIP IT!) or the somewhat suspicious and completely bitchy mindfuck she administered to Gina early in the competition, one gets the feeling that she would be much more attractive, mysterious, and accomplished if we never heard her speak at all. In all fairness, even though her attitude stinks worse than the morbid odor that probably permeated Phuket Island the day after the Tsunami, she HAS continually ramped up and turned out softer, more beautiful, "more model and less drag queen" pics. She's been called "arrogant", "defensive" and "fake" (to her face!) and takes it on the shoulder everyweek. Yet and still she made it to the final three, and we can't take that away from her. On top of all of that- she's A MODEL!!! Take these (2) pics as evidence...
But it wasn't until the church fashion show, when Jade came "up in through" with the "swirl", that I started to believe she could actually be a contender. She really put air under that cape and twirled, twirled, twirled like she was in a Dior show. Not bad...



This season's sleeper was indeed Joanie, whose portfolio was strong and whose walk was indeed a breath of fresh air. I predict she will be among the top two standing, up-ended only by one chick...

This season's winner, in my estimation will be


Danielle. Her "Snow White" SEALED it for me...she even looked resplendent bald- how many women can say that? Southern accent be damned, she has been consistently among the top choices every week, has consistently turned out VIVID, BEAUTIFUL pictures and has shown the most drive to succeed. Summoning nothing more than courage, determination and mettle, she has survived a sprained toe (thanks to those ridiculous platform heels), two visits to the dentist to correct that "not-quite-Lauren-Hutton" gap-toothed smile, and food poisoning in a third world country. All while looking STUNNING!!! I mean, what more can you ask for in a model?

Unlike in seasons past, the majority of these girls could actually have somewhat successful careers as models. I mean, come on- LOVE Eva Pigford; she serves face, ramps on the runway and all that, but NO agency would have picked her up due to her height. Adrian, season 1 winner, was too trashy. Season 2 winner Yoanna had BEAUTIFUL porcelain skin and bone structure that most women would hate her for, but her body was unfortunate. In my estimation, at least 7 of the chosen 13 could be working in New York right now (and probably are). These girls were the first group since the show's inception who seemed to up the beauty quotient from previous years by at least 1000%

If I hadn't brought any of the other contestants' names up, its because they didn't register on my radar- oh well...

but I digress...

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