I hate myself for loving you...

I hate myself for STILL loving you. For STILL feeling my heart jump out of my chest at the mere mention of your name. For STILL allowing my thoughts to be interrupted EVERY DAY by you, one way or another. For having my REM sleep invaded by images of you; touching you, holding you, laughing with you, hearing your voice. I smell you in my dreams. I hate that I can't seem to get past you, even though its been over 2 years- even as I realize and still reel from the hurtful shit we've both done . I hate myself for STILL being emotionally unavailable to those that want to make themselves emotionally available to me. I hate knowing that even though we will never be together again (there, I wrote it), I can't see myself with anyone else--and HAVEN'T seen myself with anyone else. What can I do? How can I get past this? I tried bitterness, jadedness, altered consciousness, hobbies...what's next? I see you on the street and I can't even open my mouth to return a simple "hello", even though my heart is shouting VOLUMES. I hate knowing that if there WILL be another that I'll allow into ME, that your presence will be there to make things harder for me to have something REAL and HEALTHY; that I will have to work virtually around the clock not to make any potential twosome a menage a trois, because you have become so ingrained in my psyche. I hate that , in the sadly prophetic words of Deniece Williams, its "gonna take a miracle to make me love someone new". DAMN DAMN DAMN!

Damnit, I'm addicted to HGTV!!!

How I can spend almost an entire Saturday afternoon with the television on one channel is funny to me- I'm a channel surfer and my attention span is not THAT great. However, there's something about this channel, with its insidious redecorating programs (I am addicted to the idea of re-doing things- or re-editing things lol). It started out innocently enough; watching "Trading Spaces" on The Learning Channel. Then it grew to watching "A Makeover Story". Then it shifted to "While You Were Out" (Robert Verdi can be amusing once u get past those sunglasses that appear to be sutured to his head---fierce designer sunglasses, but sunglasses nonetheless). And yes, I would make a special effort to be home when "Extreme Makeover" would come on ABC. Then...I discovered HGTV- Home and Garden fucking television! I have always had an interest in interior design and renovations- there's something very aspirational about seeing people re-do their home with a $100,000 budget (but it does make the apartment that you rent in Brooklyn feel like a bullshit tenemant long-abandoned!). The people that they enlist to overhaul perfectly "livable" living quarters are always personable, relatively physically attractive (most of the time), and completely accomplished in their field. They KNOW their shit! They always come up with ideas that you would NEVER have thought about but somehow work brilliantly in the overall scheme of things. I find myself going into my friend's spaces and doing a "Design Remix" (one of my favorite HGTV shows). I am always thinking, as I'm sitting in my TV room "How can I make this space more livable"- even though the room is actually quite comfortable! I am always re-editing, always taking mental inventory of what I have and what I CAN have. I can't help it! What I wouldn't give to have total and complete access to some gifted carpenter who could build ANYTHING I want, custom-made; to have Ty Pennington for two days to do my bidding! Of course, anytime Oprah has Neal Berkus (sp) on her show, I make a mental note to myself to try to catch it (don't have TIVO yet!). All of these shows pull me in and speak to the interior designer in me- at least for that 30 to 60 minutes. Shows like Design on a Dime, Design Remix, Designing for the Sexes, reDesign, Designer Finals oh God somebody HELP ME!!!DAMN YOU HGTV!!!!!!